hi everyone,
i’m new to this blogging thing, so bear with me! i’m going to start with some basic info and work from there…
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i was born and raised in tennessee by both of my parents, and lived a rather normal life until the age of 9. like many girls at that age my social life depended solely on school. all of my friends were in my grade and mostly limited to the specific schedule i was on.
unfortunately for me, i was deemed fit to skip the 4th grade and go straight from my familiar elementary school’s grade 3 to the very unfamiliar middle school’s grade 5! of course this news was great for my rather pushy parents, and even i was excited at first… i mean, it is a quite rare achievement in a small school and seemed like such an immediate ego-boost to be the only student to skip a grade in your class…
fast-forward past a summer spent bragging about my obvious intellect… it turns out this wasn’t such a great idea…
i have no friends, everyone automatically assumes i’m a snob or a nerd, teachers seem to expect even more from me than other students, my parents are putting loads of pressure on me, and i go an year without seeing any of my friends more than once or twice. in fact, all but two of them act like they don’t care for me anymore even when i do see them.
luckily, the next year was a little less awkward… i had become somewhat friendly with some of the older kids and my former friends were at least caught up, but things are never the same. despite being a total socialite and strangely popular, i never quite get over the feeling of being an outcast, both in the feeling of superiority to everyone around me as well as a more typical sense of alienation.
now, i told you all of that because i want to stress that i blame a lot of my personal problems on my intelligence and feelings of arrogance. i am the type of girl who won’t hesitate to laugh in someone’s face over a dumb comment, or to presume the inferiority of everyone i’m standing impatiently behind in line at a grocery store check-out… as much as i’ve boldly bragged about it in the past, hating 99% of the people around you for no good reason isn’t the healthiest situation a person can inhabit.
fast-forward to high school graduation…
i’m now 17 years old, though oftentimes mistaken for a 14 year old due to my looks or a 20 year old because of my brains and attitude. i’m more than happy to be leaving my schoolmates behind, having already almost fully transitioned into a cold-hearted bitch with minimal concern for those i fully believe to be beneath me.
at the time i was dating my first serious boyfriend, whom despite being 3 years older than me really hit it off with my parents. despite my wishes to go to either of the two prominent art schools i had been accepted at, or perhaps even the obnoxious christian university in texas that had shown interest due to my grades and much-lauded talent on both the piano and flute, my parents thought it would be best for me to start out going to the small community college that my boyfriend was attending… that lasted one semester!
i promptly dumped the boyfriend and dropped out of school, claiming that i needed a semester to think about things, and got my first job working retail at a goodwill store. i was quickly shaken by the job, falling into a near-instant depression that lead to me befriending a drug dealer who kept me supplied with pot and liquor. he was despicable, but would allow me to stay with him and get fucked up without having to be fucked, and that was far better than driving 40 minutes home after a long day of work.
i lasted at goodwill for a little over 2 months before i started skipping work to stay with my dealer/new boyfriend, and party all night and day long with his friends… needless to say, i knew being fired was inevitable so i quit and immediately started working at a pet store, which turned out to be mind-numbingly boring so i went job-hunting with my b/f and landed a killer job working at a local record store, at which i am still employed.
on my 18th birthday, i broke the news to my parents that i was moving out for good to be closer to work and to get a place with my b/f. things seemed to be looking up… i was in the city, had my first even somewhat long-term relationship, loved my job, and (despite my expanding waist-line) was quickly falling in love with my alcohol-fueled partying lifestyle.
soon, i was promoted to manager of my store after the previous fellow retired. my lifestyle continued to morph as my b/f dumped me (possibly because i had grown rather overweight), and i moved back and forth for a few years between different friends’ places. my bad attitude and sense of superiority only snowballed, now backed up by my uber-cool job and power at said job.
in spite of how everyone who knows me would likely say that i’m a totally hateful, cold-hearted bitch and that the notion of me feeling depressed and unhappy with my life would be crazy, i can’t help but feel totally trapped and regretful of my life. i am absolutely miserable, and have considered leaving it all behind somehow for a while now. i hate my bad attitude, my intellect, my power, my sense of dominance over others, etc..
luckily…
i am still managing the record store and preparing myself for a hopeful complete transformation courtesy of my master. he has hypnotized me and is slowly changing everything about me… he makes me feel so weak and helpless, which i absolutely love. he has total power over me, and i couldn’t be more thankful.
stay tuned for more!
